who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
