there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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