I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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