Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
