Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
It's never too late to be topless.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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