areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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