I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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