Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
