also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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