Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
