I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
