You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
