My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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