we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
