i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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