I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
