dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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