I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Randomize
