If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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