and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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