I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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