My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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