I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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