Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Randomize
