Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
