just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
