last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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