wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
