I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
