I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
