I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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