allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
