my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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