I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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