dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
