just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
