I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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