I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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