If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
