Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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