I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
