Don't make out with my wife yet
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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