I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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