I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
