Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
