I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
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