Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
