I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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