I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
