i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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