Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
