How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Randomize
