just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.