he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize