i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
