Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
