sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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