it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
