Your face is a jimmy john
Soap is not a condiment
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
