just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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